Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
