she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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