Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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