Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
