The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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