so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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