You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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