I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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