My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Couch. On fire.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
