Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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