I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
