Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
