She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
