Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
