the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
