New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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