Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
