i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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