i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
His nipple licking is glorious
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