oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
