I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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