Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
ambylanc
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
