I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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