I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
