I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
