I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
