so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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