I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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