It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
