and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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