come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
