It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he puts the penis in happiness.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
