Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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