I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
