you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
