No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
