to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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