There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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