She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
