Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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