It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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