there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
