Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
