Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The power of my boobs compel you
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
