then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
