you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
