You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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