You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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