just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
