Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
