She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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